My life feels like it’s been a series of “befores” and “afters”. Before that first flare up—before PANS—and after it. Before my worst flare at age eleven, and after. I feel like I was a different person in each of those time frames. I was someone, a girl I no longer remember, when at four,... Continue Reading →
They Say I’m Strong
they say i'm strong but i never asked for this is it right, or is it wrong, to just give in to it? i'm fighting for a life i'll never really get to live there's a pain worse than a knife when you've given all you can give and my hope's burned to... Continue Reading →
Define Me
"your illness does not define you," they say but i say it's what makes you who you are for there is no me outside of pain unless it is found in fear or scars for the pain has made me strong in the same way it makes me weak forever it will surround my life... Continue Reading →
Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay
PANS has beat me down and broken me so many times in the past decade, I’ve lost count. Sometimes I feel as if the pieces of me that were supposed to make me who I’m meant to be got lost somewhere in the wreckage. As if they’re somewhere in the ashes in my wake—the ashes... Continue Reading →
Divide
lie and truth and truth and lie a war inside her head opposites tear and opposites wear 'til her thoughts leave her for dead "i must" and "i can't" come hand in hand she wants to smile, but only screams never one or the other, but none or all as she's torn apart from the... Continue Reading →
My Story
I was four and a half when it started. In all honesty, I don’t remember a lot from that first flare, only a few shards of memories reflecting back at me. I remember standing at drop off for preschool, crying and screaming and begging my mom not to leave me. I didn’t know why, only... Continue Reading →
PANS and Me
I was 15 when I was diagnosed with PANS (Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome), an autoimmune disorder that causes inflammation of the brain--and in turn, an array of seemingly random symptoms. At four, I had my first flare-up. Because of this, I've spent as much of my life as I can remember feeling different, as if... Continue Reading →
A Girl of Broken Glass 